My underwear smells like fireworks.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Did I show you my penis last night?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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