I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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