I want to walk on stilts...naked
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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