Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
