U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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