I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
