Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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