She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
