Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
