I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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