Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
