if you like me you must not know who I am
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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