You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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