Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
