Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
