I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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