I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
