I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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