did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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