Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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