I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
