I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
