Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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