Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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