I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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