Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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