i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
