I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
