Your face is a jimmy john
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
