I want to have your abortion
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
