I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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