I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
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You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
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You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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