I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
