I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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