the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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