and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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