Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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