I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
