Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
