Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
