My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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