life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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