you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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