Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
