conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
