Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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