have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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