I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
