alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
