I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
