he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
