I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
