i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You can't motorboat a personality
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
