um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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