I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
