Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
