Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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