hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
