Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
