I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
